I haven’t been here in a while

I’ve been running from most things I have to say. Why say anything? I’m already experiencing everything, so why speak and live it twice? “Say something once, why say it again?”

It’s another night, I can’t sleep and I don’t know how I’ve ended up here of all places. I used to hide here, grandstand here. But coming here is like facing myself, and I can’t seem to do that.

One day, not today.

frenums:

(Source: frenums)

My best friend passed away. It’s been about five and a half weeks. After a gruelling six months of managing advanced dementia, my Grandma passed away of other causes. It’s been the most difficult thing I have ever been through. For those playing at home, my Grandma practically raised me. She took me in as a young girl and provided an incredible life for me. She became my best friend.

It’s a loss I can’t comprehend. I really don’t want it to be that event that changes me forever, I’m fighting really hard. But if I am being honest, the darkness is quiet, but consuming. It’s like I never really have fun anymore. I don’t really enjoy things, not truly anyway. I can’t seem to feel like I used to feel about anything. Some say it’s grieving, but I don’t know. The truth is I don’t know what’s normal, what’s meant to be or how I should feel. All I know is that the pain is so intense, I am unable to feel it fully. So I think the result is, I feel it a little bit all the time. It seeps into everything and it dims bright days, without conjuring. I am just trying to make it out. 

This is the closest I have come to feeling deeply and truly depressed since 2010. She’d be disappointed if I let this take me down, so I will keep trying. Sometimes it helps to bark to an empty audience. 

I’m going through something that I cannot even talk about. When I struggle, certain mediums like tumblr help me process. I’m in a great deal of pain but because of reasons out of my control, I can’t utter a word. I feel like this will change me forever and I am unsure as to how one recovers from something like this. I feel like I am drowning, at least in wine like this.